Sekai - You've done so much for Hayden and I, helping us to struggle through our long-distance relationship. You've been a true source of hope and inspiration for us, helping us both stand strong. Not only that, but you helped me come to accept who I am, which in turn has made me stronger as a person. With you around, I know I'll always have a strong, steady support throughout all of my hardships. Thank you.
Bayard - Heck, I don't know if you ever read these, but nonetheless I'm not leaving you out on this one. You're truly my best friend, as no other besides Hayden is. You and I have led such similar lives that talking to you makes me comfortable and helps me to get through my hardships. I don't know what I'd do without someone as calm and confident as you are around, someone who knows me almost as well as I know myself, simply because of the similar situations in life. Thank you for always being there.
Hayden - Last, but very certainly not the least, is you, my dearest. Thanks isn't enough to express my feelings towards what you've done in my life. From when we first met on Divergence and what simply started out as a friendship became so much more as time went by. As we got to know each other, I became a lot more comfortable around someone I knew and eventually, you were the one I opened up to. I had no idea at that time that you would be the one for me, but you were the one I could be confident enough to admit, not only to you, but to myself as well, that I was gay. I had never truly accepted it, but... you helped me come to the conclusion that it was who I was, and that there was nothing wrong with being me. Since then, since I have accepted it, and have had the most wonderful time being your boyfriend. I never thought I'd find anyone for me, but I was proven wrong in the most satisfying way possible. Thank you, hon. I love you with all of my heart, and I yearn for the day we're done with school and you're here living with me. Thank you. <3
Anyway, introduction aside, I suppose I'll start off on a happier note today. After my last journal, I've found peace in my relationship. Yes, it's still a relationship. Hayden and I are back together and loving each other more than ever. I was scared for a while, yes, but it seems that everything is back on track. We're talking even more eagerly about my trip to fly down to Australia this November, and growing mre and more excited by the day. To heighten that excitement, I have been recently employed by my college's AV team, a job I enjoy already. Not only that, but even at minimum wage ($6.55/hr isn't bad), I earn around $80-100 a week while still being able to keep up with school and leisure. I'm working slowly towards my goal of $1,800 to pay for the round-trip flight, as well as a little extra for Hayden's graduation gift. It seems to be a win-win situation here.
However, it's not life in paradise, even with things going well. As a supportive friend, I often lend an ear to those who need it, to hear out their worries and woes. These will be included in these journals, though under anonymous names for the sake of privacy. Along with these will be included the advice I've given as well as the results. If you, the readers, feel as if I could have handled something differently, feel free to comment and I'll take your words to heart. If I can help people better, I'll certainly be happy.
The first of these situaitons involves a good friend of mine who is having a very difficult time emotionally. She confessed to me before that she loved a good friend of yours, but that love was unrequited. This has been going on for- and correct me if I'm wrong in my remembrance- four years. And because her friend hasn't returned it, she has been troubled. Only last night she planned to tell him one last time, and if turned down again? She didn't know. I don't know what could happen. But all I could advise is that it was not over. Even if her friend couldn't return the love, there was still hope. Though the circumstances are different, this has a similar principle to the situation I had recently (see the last Journal, "I don't know my own feelings anymore): the heart can be shared, divided as necessary. This friend of mine didn't believe this to be the case. In her own words, "It is unfair to another person to have to be scond when there is someone else who is always first." (This isn't exact, I don't have the best memory either). My opinion on this as simple: if the second truly loves her, though he knows that he will never have full clame, he will nonetheless accept it and bear with it. Maybe I'm an idealized romantic, I won't dey that. But again, this is only one man's opinion.
Another situation that's related on that note: for all of you that read my previous journal regarding my feelings towards another, there is a similar situation involving two of my friends, one of which is the person I've fallen for. This person is already in a relationship, which is why my love is unrequited. This person's boyfriend was in a situation similar to my own- he has feelings for another. My friend was worried about the dividing of his heart, that this other person could draw his boyfriend's love away from him. I've talked with this couple regarding this, and upon the latest chat, everything seems to have been resolved. It seems everything will work out in the end. I'd like to say I had a hand in that, but I believe that they would have made it work in the end, even without me. So I can take no credit for the resolution.
I'll close today's journal with a bit of thought for everyone concerning the heart, a line that came to mind while I was writing this, one that was used in advice a bit later:
"There will be the one person you will dedicate your life to, that much is certain. This person will be the blessing of your existence. But man's heart is inconsistent- the true love will remain, but in time, feelings for others will rise too. Just know that true love, the one that is honest and pure, will always take precedence.”This is my view on all of the worries of a second love. This is a bit of encouragement to those who are afraid of their feelings towards another person, feelings of a divided heart. This was what helped me through my own trouble, coming to this revelation. Though I didn't know it in words until recently, I knew this in my heart. And I hope it could help those who have read it.
I have made a resolution today. I've proven that I cant understand my own emotions as I feel them, that I am such an idiot with my feelings. Trying to understand them seems to be like mankind trying to understand God- simply impossible. So I resolved to keep a journal of sorts. Maybe if I write down my thoughts and read them over, I'll understand myself a bit better, be able to make more clear-minded dcisions. I don't know.
Right now, all I feel is a mix that is half-numb, half grief. These feelings are crystal-clear, unlike last night, where everything was jumbled and crazily spinning. I know that I'm hurting to a point I can't comprehend. And all because I cannot be sure in my feelings, or consistent in my heart.
Last night, I screwed up royally. I know I did. I told the one I loved- or thought I loved- that we should end our relationship. Even after being told that my boyfriend, the one I cherished more than life itself, would cut off all ties and break away from me indefinitely, to the point where we'd never talk again. And I think that hurts even more than the seperation hard as that is to believe. I'm not only losing a lover, but my best friend too.
Hayden was the one person with whom I could confide wth, one who loved me wholly and unconditionally. And... for a while, I loved him too. I may yet still. But until I understand my heart, I don't want to created a false hope that only gets broken. That's unfair to the point of nearly being cruel. That would simply make things worse in the long run.
The Five Stages of Grief suddenly came to mind as I was writing this, out of nowhere, and I suppose they've definitely come and gone for the most part. First came denial- I couldn't believe that it was over. I still cacn't. I don't want it to be. Part of me is still stuck here. Anger- dear God, I've had more than enough of this. I've wanted to scream at the walls, wanted to yell at everyone including myself- especially myself!- for what has happened. Bargaining- I suppose this was one I skipped. No, wait. I asked God plenty of times for redemption, some way to make this right... but perhaps this is my punishment. I don't believe it, but maybe this is what I deseve, after the nature of my relationship. I don't honestly know. Grief- the current stage I'm in. My stomach hurts, my heart feels like a lead weight in my chest. My mind keeps running in circles, and with each revolution those hurts intensify more and more.
I want to say the words "the one I love" instead of the terms I've used to describe Hayden so far. But I can't make myself do so, even for his sake. Even as he has said, I have broken so many promises- even if I discover that there is still love, how can I ever expect to be forgiven? I promised to love for now and forever. I may not have broken that, but until my heart is sure, I may as well have. I promised to remain loyal and faithful- physically I have. This new love interest isn't one in a sexual sense- no, in this person I see a sense of companionship. Someone who is close physically as well as emotionally. But emotionally is how I broke that promise, by falling in love with another person. What sort of horrible monster am I?
What's worse, to make me all the more miserable, is the other half of the situation. It's selfish, I know, but I'm not doing anything here but writing down all of my thoughts and honest feelings here. Just to add to my emotonal instability, the one I've fallen for is out of reach- he loves another, fully and wholly. I'm jealous, yes, but it's a foolish jealousy. Even I know that.
These are the reflections of the last hour. This is just a sample of the thoughts and emotions whirling through my head right now. This is my grief, this is my hurt.
- Current Mood: distressed
Well, this is the opening of my LiveJournal Account, at least on a more official note. I created it a short time back to make a comment on a friend's journal, and never really started making use of it. But lately, I've found keeping journals has helped me out a lot emotionally and mentally, so I plan on making it a habit. That habit begins now.
To start my first journal, let me talk a bit about myself, a short introduction if you will. My name is John Aghjayan, though due to the common nature of my name, I prefer to go by the name "Zeich" if at all possible. A few of you know me as Locke- that's fine, but again, Zeich is the preference. I'm eighteen years old, in my second semester of college at Campbell University. I major in Pre-Law on a Government track, and I'll be graduating in 2012.
In terms of my social personality, I do a lot around the school. I work with the AV team to monitor the law school programs, working with sound and video to make it go perfectly as well as possibile. I'm currently also in the school premiere of Whitechapel, a musical written by one of the students here, Jon Fitz. The play tells of the murders performed by Jack the Ripper as well as the investigation following it. It's been fun so far and will be premiering at the end of March and beginning of April.
I also have a very special person in my life, my boyfriend, Hayden Stroud. Yes, before you ask, I'm gay. I'm not ashamed of it, though, and to be honest? It generally seems to be accepted, so there's no real worry in that regard. It's a long-distance relationship, sadly, since Hayden lives all the way out in Australia while I'm back in the good ol' USA. But we live with it, and frankly, we're happier than ever even if we are apart. I'll be visiting him this November, though, so that's a start.
I'm also a furry. For those of you who don't know what that is, I'm a person who associates himself with an anthropomorphic (man-like) animal, in my case a wolf. Furries aren't like the common CSI reference of "people who dress up in animal costumes to have sex" - that's a very, very rare and extreme case that most other furs frown upon. No, we just associate ourselves with the animals in most cases, nothing more. My boyfriend is a furry as well, a raccoon/wolf hybrid we simply shorten to "wocoon" for convenience's sake.
Anyway, most of these journals will be self-reflections for the world to see and comment on. I'm going to start with the two I wrote before this one, so don't be confused by the date markers at the top of each- this is just when I wrote them, really. Anyway, hope y'all enjoy!